Sarah's Birthday Party....Again.... ;-)

So this is the last bday party for Sarah I swear :-)  For her "friend" birthday party she got to pick two friends to bring to the movies :-) :-) I remember the first movie I went to after Sophia was born. It was Beauty and the Beast. Even though I knew it was important, my stomach was a little sick the whole time. Lately things have been so good. I feel so comfortable being here right now :-)

Sunday Drive

Sophia has been doing so well lately! When Max woke up he wanted to go on a drive in the "new" truck. So her Dad watched her and I just took him! That easy! It felt SO good to go for a drive in the hills. That's a big piece of who I am!

I feel rejuvenated and everything is feeling like it's looking up. I think part of that too might be this "headspace" app my therapist suggested? I've been doing it every day and I think it's really helping me cope :-)

Anyways happy Sunday!

Goodbye Truck :-)

You've served our family well. The little kids loved you. You got the boys through high school. And most importantly to me, you took us on our first date ;-)

First Date Jan 3rd 2011

Jason and Mason took the Ranger up to Salt Lake this morning because I found a Tundra with a bench seat in front. A Saturday when Sophia is feeling good is so precious, I just hate it when Jason has to waste one running errands. But it will be very nice to be able to drive around safe and comfortable with her:-)

Max saying goodbye to the truck this morning :-) He expressed a little disapointment but he'll probably like next one too :-)

Priorities

The last couple days we have been SO busy trying to find the right vehicle for Sophia. We need something reliable, with a bench seat in the front. But it can't be too tall bc she's big and floppy. Also we need to be able to turn the airbag off.

Funny thing about being a special needs parent. When you're buying a vehicle, you don't care about anything else but the needs of your child(ren). Color doesn't matter, make or model, bells or whistles. Not that I was super into cars anyways. But I'm finding this to be the case in a lot of areas of my life now. Unimportant things, that might have mattered before, simply don't. My priorities are....adjusted. I just want my kids to be safe and happy. I don't want anything more.

Used Clothes, and Used Cars, Make Me Happy, and Sad.

A year ago I was pregnant with Sophia and we bought a used SUV that could fit all 8 of us. I was so excited. Life seemed so perfect. I was happy :-) Today I sold that SUV. That made me sad :-( I need something with a bench seat in the front. Sophia has grown out of her infant seat and her bed seat, but she still can't sit up. Primary Children's is providing us with a special harness. She will lay down on the bench next to me. That makes me happy :-) Also I'll probably get to drive a truck. That makes me happy :-)

 The last couple days I've been going through boxes of clothes. It's made me nostalgic. It's made me happy. It's made me sad. Sophia and Max are into the clothes that Michael and Sarah were wearing when Jason and I met. That makes me nostalgic :-) Having growing children, that makes me happy :-) Remembering that when Sarah was wearing these clothes, she was running all over the backyard... and realizing that Sophia won't be running in them. That she won't need the shoes. That makes me a little sad :-( Getting out the 12month box when she wasn't supposed to make it to her birthday? THAT makes me happy :-) :-) :-)

On the subject of therapy

     I don't know that any parent in our situation, when asked how they are doing, would say "life is great!" or "we're doing awesome!". It's not... and we are struggling. Every parent in our situation is. My support group would agree. We all have to try really hard every day. Like mentally treading water, all the time. And I'd be lying if I said that there weren't some days, where I didn't try at all. There have been days like that. Where I've given in. I'm not proud. I'm always trying to do better though.
     So. If my back is stressed I see a chiropractor, my teeth hurt a dentist, illness the doctor, etc. There's nothing wrong with going to see somebody who knows more about what you're dealing with than you do. I like getting advice. I'm not omniscient and I like getting solutions to problems. It makes life better.
     Personally I've been going to therapy on, and off, for 9 years (don't judge ha! ... I've been through a lot 😏.) When I first started, I was always saying "my therapist says this" and "my therapist that". I was living by advice and learning through therapy. It carried me through some very difficult times.
     Unfortunately those times look like a day at the beach now days :-( Not trying to be melodramatic, it's just true. So now that we have respite we're both going to be going back regularly. I might occasionally reference that I (or we) have been.
     At home Jason and I are often interrupted by emergency's. I don't know if this will make any sense, but it feels like my brain is being wired, to not be able to focus. If things with Sophia are calm for too long, my mind starts to jump. I can't relax. I wonder if you can become a.d.d. by experience. I should ask about that-haha.
     Anyways soon I'm going to be trying something called EMDR. I hope it can help my thoughts stay present, as well as get rid of triggers from past threats that no longer threaten me.
     I need all the "healthy" space I can get "up there" bc.....well..... I will be continuing to go through trauma. It's a relatively new technique so I'll post on my blog if it helps me. I'm super grateful to a wonderful nurse (medically complex children's waiver for providing her), and great babysitters for making this possible ;-)
     Lastly, if anyone reading this is thinking about therapy, forget the stigma just do it! A little piece of advice I always give though.....therapists are like chiropractors. A good one can heal you. A bad one will make your injuries worse. But they will all claim to be good, so pay attention to the results, and especially your gut! ;-) You'll be better for it! Going to therapy doesn't make anything more wrong with you than the next guy. In fact you'll probably be better off! ;-)

On a different and funny note, this video of Max will surely make you laugh! That kid is always good medicine ;-)

https://youtu.be/LcwpOxq6AuQ

Sarah's Bday Party

 A lazy birthday party day

 Sophie slept through it, but woke up just in time to say goodbye to Auntie Ahna :-)