http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/because-i-live-ye-shall-live-also?lang=eng&media=audio
He spoke about experiencing loss. He said "Because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fullness of joy." Shortly after, I got on my knees and gave my heart up to the Lord. For we had experienced loss of children in our home, an I had much sorrow in my heart still. I asked the Lord for an experience that would give me a new heart. I had the prompting to begin blogging again. And I soon found myself having an experience that I did not expect, but that I immediately recognized, was giving me a new heart. I saw experiences from other's perspectives, and I was finally able to let go of much of the pain.
I realized that for some time after we lost the boys I felt as if I had lost what had become my identity. This was the first time I had been a step-mom. I took the job seriously, and because of our unique situation, intense bonds were created. Not to mention I loved it when people asked me how many children we had :)
That question is different now. It's easy as an individual when your story changes for the better, but when hardships are ushered in, simple well meaning questions from strangers like "how many children do you have?" can bring an instant burning pain to your eyes.
And so it is time to find a new identity. And it is time to remember that we have not really lost who we are. We are people who acted the way we did because of love and because it was the right thing to do. And moving on does not change the past. It does not change the experiences we had as a family. It does not change who we were then, or who we are now. We are still the same people. Our situation just looks different than it used to.
We have accepted for a long time that Sebastian and Charlie will not likely be a part of our immediate family anymore. Moving has made that acceptance real. I hadn’t put it here on the blog because I didn’t want others' hope to be crushed as well. But that is our reality now. We lost 2 boys who we considered siblings to our children and sons to Jason. And although devastated we are moving on.Of course, they are still important to us. We still pray for them, hang their pictures in our house, and reflect on good times. But we are hanging new pictures of our family too. We still consider them family and we hope to see them eventually. In fact, Mason and Jonah were recently given that privelage :)
From this experience I have gained testimony, knowledge, and even wisdom that I would not have had otherwise. I have learned that I can lean on the Lord in the worst of times and in the best. Although I would have always done the work of the Lord, without all these
trials; I suspect the wisdom we have gained from our experiences will serve a great purpose in our lives, and with a little luck, we can bless the lives of others as well.
We are on our way up and out of this trial. It's a good feeling :)
And so now. We will settle into our new Apple Valley home. And I will need to find a new hobby. The blogging chapter of my life has ended, and it's time to find a new outlet and a new way to impact the world.
