Baby Paraphenelia

Having a baby in the house is, arguably in my mind, the best feeling in the world. When I walk into the kitchen in the middle of the night to get milk, and the nightlights are on and there is baby paraphernalia everywhere......I feel like I've made it :-) I have looked forward to being a mom of young children and babies my whole life :-) :-) :-)

Other joys from today.

We finally had cake with Michael and gave him his present. An electric scooter to run around the neighborhood with his friends. It was a hit :-) Which is always a relief :-)

Sarah made herself a broom boyfriend so she could walk around the house singing "Here comes the bride! Big fat and wide!" and then Max would come in behind her with the broom and she would sing "Here comes the groom! skinny as a broom!" She considered herself HILAAAAARIOUS!

Big Grin, The Button, Lex Luther and Iron Man

"The Dream"
Yesterday during my nap I had a verrry vivid dream. I was playing with Sophie and she wasn't just smiling...she was grinning. Huge grins, almost laughing. It was so vivid that when Papa was over later asking how she was doing, I almost cited it as a new milestone. I caught myself before the words came out, realizing it was just a dream. But then...THEN! This morning I was hugging and kissing her, sort of smothering her. I do it with all my babies. When I'm holding them and they're so darn cute and perfect that I just get filled with energy and want to squeeze them until they pop. Instead, I smother them in energetic hugs and kisses. So I was doing this and SHE GRINNED. Like BIG! A bunch of times! Jason witnessed it. It was AMAZING. Because you can't expect any milestones with PCH everything that does happen is a MIRACLE. It's the most INCREDIBLE feeling. Words don't even help to describe it. Jason got a little on video, thankfully. I looked pretty homeless since it was first thing in the morning, thankfully lol ;-)- But as with most cute things kids do, by the time you bust out the camera your getting the half-baked stuff anyways. I'll always have that memory though!

"You'll Love It"
     When Sophie was just a few days old she had to have surgery to get her feeding tube put in. When she came out of surgery I was so deeply sad...and scared honestly. It was terrifying listening to her cry after being intubated and coming out if anesthesia. She sounded so confused. Doctors and nurses talking around her like it's all so normal...bc it is for them. And I would hate for them to sound any different. You want to feel confident that they know what to do...that this is all "normal" for them. But it's simultaneously striking because it's SO abnormal for you. 
     Anyways I was still living in shock every day. Waking up and realizing it's not a nightmare. Driving to the hospital adjusting to new big changes almost daily, like a hole cut into your infant's stomach so you can feed her. It was on this day that her surgeon was describing what I could expect in the future and I was trying REALLY hard to listen and not cry. Right now she had a tube hanging out of her belly that needed to stay for a while. But he described this "button" she could get in a few weeks. "You're going to love the button" he said enthusiastically. And all I could think was "Wrong, I don't love any of this". 
     Well, the learning curve has been steep. But I can tell I have come a long way because today, she got the button. And although I can't say I love it, I can say I was looking forward to it. It is smaller, flatter, and I can take the tube out and clean it. It is in a lot of ways much easier. And ultimately, I AM SO GRATEFUL that I can feed my baby.

Lex Luther and Iron Man
After school today I picked up Michael and 2 of his best buds. I took them to Fiesta Fun for Michael's belated birthday. They had a great time. I did too. I sat on a bench and read a book. It was SO nice, that when time was up I found I was disappointed. But that's not the point of the story. ;-)- What I want to tell is that my son is growing up. I've noticed some things lately that I think signify big changes around the corner. 
1. On the way out of Fiesta Fun today I'm eavesdropping on a very DEEP conversation about who would win a fight between Lex Luther and Iron Man. 
2. His feet stink...lol and 
3. He told me that his friends "understand" him better than I do. 

It's adorable to watch him grow up :-)


(I forgot to take some pictures of the fun stuff so I snapped a couple on the way home ;-)

Happy Birthday to MJ (happy anniversary to us)

Happy birthday to our wonderful Michael! He is 10 today! Double digits! I can't believe it's been a decade! Funny thing... when I was pregnant with Michael a guy on my team at work asked about his name. I told him Michael Jene and he said "Oh! MJ!" which I thought--NEVER! But that was when I could only picture Michael as an infant. I totally call him MJ now 😋

Here are some of my favorite things about Michael:

He's very smart...always the top of his class.
He's handsome--brown hair and blue eyes, which is exactly what I hoped for with him!
He's funny








He's a great big brother. He especially loves to hold, kiss, and talk to Sophia (but he usually makes sure no one is watching, I think that's cute)

 Above is when Michael FIRST became a big brother :-)


He LOVES his friends and is very loyal.
And my very favorite thing is that my whole life I wanted to be a mother, and he made me one 😉

(also happy anniversary to us 😘. We got married on Michael's birthday bc it was the only day that made sense, but we knew we would celebrate our sealing anniversary every year instead. However today is worth mentioning because it does mark the time. 6 years!)

 

Our First Date, January 3rd 2011

 

Married May 7th, 2011

Sealed October 12th, 2012

 March 2017

And Lastly...Sophia Today :-)

*Crazy tidbit...see the picture of Sarah and Michael, and then the picture of Sophia and Michael (sophia in purple) above it? I didn't even mean to do that. THAT's how much Sophia and Sarah look alike!

Just Pretending

We like the show LOST. The main character, Jack, is a surgeon. Once he describes to Kate his first surgery. He was scared to do it and so for 10 seconds he lets the fear in. He let himself be afraid for 10 seconds....and then he lets go of the fear and goes to work.

Yesterday I gave Sophia a bath. Before I put all her "stuff" back on I tucked her feeding tube in (her outfit) and carried her outside. I showed her the tree Jason bought me for mothers day. I showed her my favorite flowers and enjoyed the diversity of our backyard. There was a slight breeze (good pretending weather) and for 5 minutes I just pretended. I pretended that she was healthy and that she wasn't going to die. I pretended that I really did get everything I ever wanted. I knew it wouldn't be healthy to stay in that place. But I allowed myself...for 5minutes....to just pretend. And then I had a good cry and went back to work 😇

Back to "Normal"

I sure am doing a lot of stuff that has me feeling like a nurse since Sophia was born. Working and troubleshooting different kinds of feeding tubes and systems, oxygen, heart monitors, etc.  Today I got to take Sophia's electrodes off. It was not easy but again, she was so tolerant. Three days was quite enough. Jason was sad every time he looked at her that way. I thought she looked like a cute little cabbage patch ;-)

So I dressed her up cute for when he got home from work. He was happy :-) And things are back to "normal" now.

I was worried all that glue was going to pull out her beautiful red hair...but I was careful, and I saved it!


We have to wait 2 weeks to find out what kind of seizures she's having so we can determine how to best help her.


There is a song by Sarah Bareilles titled "The Light". It's our song. We listened to it on our first date. Right before our first kiss (haha- there's an embarrassing little test to see if Jason reads my blog!). There are two lines from that song that keep coming back to my mind because they also pertain to how I feel about Sophia.

"Never mind what I knew, nothing seems to matter now. Who I was without you, I can do without."

Like with every child, once they're here, I can't imagine what it was like before.

She's growing up :-) She is getting fatter and longer, she's growing out of size one diapers (even though we just bought a whole case... naturally ;-). Her voice and her cry is maturing (not that she cries very much). And I think she even cooed today :-) I won't know for sure unless she does it again,
                                                                         but it  might have been something ;-)

Here's some more happiness:

 These little birdies brightened our spirits the other day :-)

And...do you remember running through the sprinklers (in your clothes) as a kid? I do. I did it a lot ;-)
Good times...

I Gave Her a Scent

A friend of mine came to visit after we brought Sophie home. She gave me a Burt's Bee's gift pack. Chapstick and lotions and creams and such. I placed a product at every sink and spoiled myself with that yummy scent, several times a day. It became a scent that I realized I would always associate with this time. So I took it a step further and assigned Sophia a scent :-) I bought her some Burt's Bee's baby wash and lotion and I put it on her every day. When she is gone I hope this will help me remember her. I love her so much.

 These two look SO much alike! Sophia is basically Sarah's little twin ;-)

Use my strength for today

Most days I feel pretty strong as I focus on the tasks at hand. I think of the rock climbing analogy. Someone at the beginning of all this, I can't remember who, used an analogy of rock climbing. If you look too far ahead or behind you'll be overwhelmed. You have to focus on just the few feet in front of you.
My Aunt called me and told me something similar. She counseled me not to use any of my strength worrying about the future or I won't have any strength left when I get there. She also said that love is the answer to this problem, the only answer. She was right on both counts :-)