It must have been a good day ;-)

   I like to listen to the radio. When I listen in the car I sing along. When I listen at home I dance in the kitchen ;-)
   I've mentioned before there were two other times in my life that I found I was crying myself to sleep and wondering why. On the second occasion I was sad for a long time. It didn't feel out of the ordinary to be sad because something sad had happened. So I called it "situational depression".  During this time the radio was still on, but I wasn't dancing or singing.
   Then one day, I distinctly remember, I was driving down the hill. I realized I was singing along :-) It made me happy... that I could be happy again. I expect this trial will be similar, just a lot more intense and it will probably take a lot longer.
   But while Sophia is alive this trial is different than the others. There are emotions that I experience, that could not be more different from each other. On the one hand I'm losing her and so I deal with those emotions EVERY DAY. I'm sad, and scared. Okay lets be serious, I'm terrified.
   On the other hand I still had a baby and brought her home. There are wonderful emotions. It feels so good to have a baby in the house again. She's SO pretty, and fun to be around. I still get to take care of her. Feed her my milk. Have skin to skin time. Dress her up. Bathe her. Smell her. Put bows in her hair. Take a million adorable pictures. There are happy emotions. Even joyful ones.
   I guess what I'm saying is, I'm on a roller coaster, but it isn't ALL bad. Not yet. I realized this when I caught myself dancing in the kitchen yesterday ;-)